When posting in my galleries I had to blur out the objectional words, but I'm posting it uncensored here. I apologize if the words offend you, but it IS an ugly subject and fit for ugly words! Here you go:
The journaling reads:
When I was a freshman in college, a 4 four year relationship with my high school boyfriend ended violently. He came home drunk one night, punched me about the thighs and stomach, ripped off my clothing, and choked me until I passed out. His roommates were home, listening, but hid in their rooms...pretending nothing was wrong. Luckily, he had too much to drink and had to run to the bathroom to vomit. Another of the roommates came home, heard the tail end of what was happening & half carried me out of the room and into her own. She hid me in the closet until he left the house to search for me, then transported me to her boyfriend's house. The weekend ended with a police report, photographs of the bruises, & a restraining order on the only boyfriend I had ever had. Looking back on it now, I see that the last two years of the relationship had been abusive...both emotionally & mentally. I was young enough when he & I started dating that I believed it when he told me that he would be the only man to ever love me. I believed all of the bad things he said about me. I believed them for many years. A month after this incident, I was raped by three men at a frat party. A friend & I always went together. We had gone to a few parties there before, but on this night-for whatever reason-my friend left me there. I happened to be friends with one of the people who lived there &, being too drunk to make it back to the dorms on my own, he told me I could crash on their couch. After everyone else had left, he along with two of his friends raped me. They held me down, violating me orally and vaginally. By the time I made it back to my dormroom, somehow finding my way through the tears & fear & shock, I was stumbling & only half-dressed. I fell into my room & my roommate was already awake. When I told her what had happened, she looked at me in disgust, telling me I let it happen. Her words scarred me even further. Because of them, I was afraid to tell anyone else. I was ashamed of myself, of what had happened, & the men got away with it. I believed all those things that were implied by my "letting" the rape happen...I was a slut, a tramp. I kept my silence for more than two years. I was so afraid of the men, whom I still saw around campus, that I dropped out & transferred to a different university. It was there that I couldn t keep my silence any longer. In a speech class, I described the rape. More than a few people cried, the professor had tears in his eyes when I finished. Several women came up to me at the end of class to tell me their similar experiences. It was an eye opener & it was as if the flood gates had been opened. After that, I told of my ordeal whenever it was appropriate, I wrote about it in my prose classes, I shared my thoughts & my feelings with whoever wanted to listen. I have had women tell me of their own rapes, & even inspired some of them to speak out themselves. I still have nightmares from time to time & still struggle occasionally with the feeling that all those things once said about me really are true afterall. But although both experiences were traumatic, now that I ve found a voice I have become a much stronger person. I am finally strong enough to let the scars heal at last.
One thing I noticed while doing this layout....my tattoo is pretty faded and shabby looking! Almost time to touch 'er up! LOL
**Note to the daughter whose mother left the comment about sending a link of this page to you: Please, please, if you want to talk to someone who has been through this and who also made some incredibly stupid mistakes afterwards (and still regrets them and is ashamed of them), PLEASE feel free to write to me at my e-mail: triplegoddess1@gmail.com And that goes for anyone else who wants someone to talk to and feels like they have no where else to go or is afraid to tell anyone else. I get lots of junk mail, so please put something in the subject line to catch my attention like "Abuse" "Rape" or something similar. Even if you just want to share your experience because it is so therapeutic, feel free to write to me! I am a survivor and I'm always here to support others**
And to all of you who have been leaving me comments here and in my galleries -- thank you thank you thank you...You have brought tears to my eyes with your words of support and encouragement. I love you all for the kindness you're showing and wish I had the same support while I went through all of this!
